A Dose of Luck - JJ's First Days

Don't know why I've been thinking about this... I don't know if I've blogged the story or not, but if I have, I apologize.

I know I was still delirious when I asked for my son around midnight and was told that they were bringing him out as soon as they could. I vaguely remember Jerry coming back into the room after he walked with JJ to the nursery. I also vaguely remember my mom-in-law and my girlfriend coming in to say goodbye. I was attached to several monitors and tubes and wires, much like JJ was over in the Nursery Special Care Unit.

We moved to our new room around 1 or 2 a.m. I asked for JJ again, and was told they were bringing him out as soon as they could. I had no idea then of the troubles he was having.

His nurse came in around 4 a.m. and I finally met my son through two photographs:

Seeing those photographs was shockingly different than how I had envisioned our meeting.

She explained that he was having trouble breathing and was not transitioning well, but they didn't feel the need for a ventilator. She said they took x-rays and that his lungs looked good, but the drugs I received before the surgery were taking a toll on his body. I was physically unable to move, let alone go down to the nursery to see him. The nurse assured me that I could go see him in the morning, and they would update me if anything changed.

I stared through thankful tears at his pictures all night, as if I was already bonding with him. I never felt so helpless in my entire life, or so grateful that he was going to be okay. I thanked God for his survival and prayed for continued good health. When morning came, it didn't matter that I hadn't slept (except for a drug-induced nap) for nearly two days. I got myself up out of bed around 11 a.m. and was wheeled down to the Special Care Unit. Jerry and I scrubbed in (a requirement for getting into the unit) and were taken to JJ. I will never forget the feeling that came over me when I saw him. I was detached from my own body while staring at myself - in baby form - squirming and blinking in the bassinet. He was anchored to many wires and an IV, but the nurse didn't hesitate as she lifted him out of the bassinet and placed him in my arms. I held a little peice of heaven as we stared at each other.

Two long days in the unit later, my little boy was in my arms without the tethers and wires:

My baby wasn't a preemie. He wasn't born with a defect or disease. He wasn't on a ventilator, or even on oxygen. He just hit bump trying to get here. It was, and sometimes still is, traumatic for us, but by the looks of him now, you would never know he was ever in any danger when he was born. It's scary how fast things can turn from good to very bad, but we ended up very lucky in the end... which was really just the beginning.

Photogenic

This is all I gotta say about today... he keeps me going.

Paper or Plastic?

I've been reading for many months (make that years) about people who save tons and tons of money on their grocery bill by clipping coupons, catching sales, and working super hard to make sure that every single penny is lined up with the planets in the third sector of the Orion nebula right at the exact moment they scan their frequent shopper card.

Given the circumstances, and the fact that I clearly saw the little dipper on Saturday night, I decided to see what all the hub-ub was about.

I picked up a newspaper yesterday and looked through the circulars with JJ. We found a few good deals, but it wasn't much. I clipped the coupons that I thought might be of use one day, and tucked them away in an old index file I found. It looked like Kroger was having a decent sale, so I looked through the ciruclar and planned my meals for the week off the items that were on sale.

My trip this morning involved both Kroger and Target (I need formula there). Two hours and a very cranky baby later, the results were in:

Total grocery bill (at Target and Kroger): $165.22

Total savings (buying generics, Kroger Card, and coupons): $65.38

Total spent: $99.84

I bought enough groceries that should last about two weeks, and I stocked up on formula (usually a big ticket item) and cereal and bath soap - the things that I had some major coupons for AND were on special sale at the store. I didn't know until now that you can mix coupons with the store promotion - which is the key. I was horribly distracted with the baby and had no idea what I was doing - and still managed to save enough to pay our electric bill. No bad for a first timer, eh?

My thing about all this: I wasn't saving that much money by shopping at Walmart. In fact, I was spending more because more temptation is there! I went to the the store today looking ONLY for the items on my list and ONLY wavering if the deal was really, really good. If I had a coupon for an item on my list, and the generic was still cheaper than the item with the coupon, I went for the generic and saved the coupon for later.

And now the little man has woken from his recovery nap, and we're venturing out one more time (I have two more stores to hit, and was never going to make it!) Yay!

Derby, Here I Come?

Spring has sprung. That is, until this CRAZY Virginia weather decides that it doesn't like spring anymore, and either turns freezing cold or burning hot. Don't worry, Virginia's seasonal mood swings usually don't last very long, and we should return to the normal season soon.

It only took me 10 years to really figure out Virginia weather.

This morning, I had the unique joy of re-experiencing my youth. I went roller skating with my friends, Jen and Sarah. Roller Skating... you know... when you put those funny shoes with wheels on them and stumble and roll around until you can't feel your feet anymore... I have to admit, it was actually fun. I haven't been on roller skates in about 10 years, maybe longer than that, but it didn't take long for me to figure out what I was doing and get going with about half of the decent skaters out on the rink. The last few laps, I threw caution to the wind and skated as fast as I could. I did 15 laps in about 10 minutes and could hardly breathe when I was finished. Go me. Even more exciting than that, I didn't fall but once, when I accidentally tripped over the ledge of the rink.... which I probably would have done without the skates on.

We're going again on Tuesday, and I'm very excited. I hope I'll at least be able to walk by then.

It's incredible exercise and I felt great after we left the rink. I've been tempted to join the River City Roller Girls... but I'm still seriously contemplating. It certianly would be interesting...

I also would like to note how awesome our family is. When times are tough, like they are for us now, I feel so relieved to know that if we really need help, it's there. We're incredibly fortunate to have such great people in our lives, on both sides, because some people are without a loving, supportive family. Take a moment tonight to thank God for the loving people in your life. I know we will.

It's been a pretty darn good day. I hope tomorrow is just, if not more... better? gooder? Sorry... it's late...

Trusting and Waiting

Number of days since I lost my job: 7.

Number of times I've actually missed it this week: 0.

Number of times I've kissed my baby this week: I lost count on the first day.

I know it won't last. It can't. I'm a little sad about that.

Emotionally, I am starting to feel a little drained. Worry over the money situation that is soon to be in our front doorway is leering around the corner. I'm trying to stay positive about it in order to think logically about what we can do for the situation, but it's hard. Very hard. Someone up there has a plan for us, and all we need to do is carefully plan and be patient. Some luck is bound to come our way.

I'm still a little worried about the sudden change in mood. Was my job really the root of my emotional roller coaster, or have we just stopped momentarily to change passengers? Will I slide back, deeper, into functional nothingness as before?

We don't know the answers to the tough questions. Heck, we don't even know the answers to the easy ones. I wish we did. Waiting and trusting that "The Plan" will work out is hard, too. But we're going to get there... wherever "there" is.

Hindsight

Before I begin, here is my latest accomplishment:

370 diapers. $25. I'm so proud of myself that I feel like belting out one of those diabolical laughs every time I diaper my child. MMUUUAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! Walgreens had these diapers on clearance for $2.29/package (regularly priced at $8.99). I bought all the size 3 and 4 they had. We're stocked for a while; at least, until I manage to get my first interview. Saving a ton of money rocks. (thanks, babycheapskate.com!)

One more thing before I get into my blog: I've gotten a few inquiries about "hating" my previous co-workers, or "contempt" for my previous company. The answer to all of those questions is no. I don't have any hate or contempt. I promise, I'm not just saying that. The way I see it: From tragedy can only come good. Remember the previous blog I posted on courage and bravery? This is a prime example. More importantly, I have no room in my heart for contempt, because there is a little boy sleeping in the other room that owns every inch of it. I don't have time to stew, I have no energy to hate. I need to concentrate on moving forward, healing my mangled emotions, and getting on with our lives. The mortgage will be paid and the baby will be fed. We'll figure it out somehow.

And... I'm not the one who will have to explain this whole mess one day at the pearly gates.

ANYWAY. On to today's blog.

First, there is this blog that my sis-in-law found that I breezed through the other day... and then got sucked in. This lady is an amazing writer and an amazing photographer. Her story is one of an ultimate test: her youngest daughter was born with Down's Syndrome. I saw today that she's being featured on CNN: http://connecttheworld.blogs.cnn.com/2010/03/10/tuesdays-connector-kelle-hampton/.

The article challenges readers with a question: What would you do if you found out your child had Down's?

This brings me immediately to the day when the ultrasound technician found a spot on JJ's heart. He was 18 weeks gestation, and the spot was an indicator of Down's Syndrome or even scarier, a heart defect. Here is an excerpt of the email that I sent out regarding the topic:

"...Today we had our third ultrasound. I never mentioned in the last email out to everyone anything concerning J.J.'s health because I didn't want anyone to worry. During our 18 week ultrasound, the ultrasound tech found a white spot on J.J.'s heart. She also mentioned that his heart was too small to really tell if it was just a spot or a heart defect, so that's why we went back in today. The spot could be an indicator of Down's Syndrome...That day, we went for a blood test for the Down's Syndrome marker. The test also checks for markers for more serious genetic disorders, Trisomy 23 (or is it 21? I can't remember) and Spina Bifida... Just the thought of my son having Downs made my heart sink. I wasn't terribly worried, but of course we couldn't help but wonder what life would be like with a special needs child. I had no doubt that he would be just as perfect and wonderful as we imagined even if he did have Down's. I did cry a little when I thought about the fact that most people with Down's don't live to see their 40th birthday. I don't want that for my son. Three days later, the test came back perfectly normal on all three markers.

... At that moment, all I wanted in the entire world was a healthy baby - something that a lot of Moms take for granted.... God heard my prayers though. Today, our ultrasound went fine and J.J.'s heart is perfectly normal. He weighs one pound, three ounces and is perfect in every way....

When the doctor came in and said "Your baby is perfectly healthy," I was overwhelmed with relief. I couldn't believe how anxious I had become in the short time between sitting in the waiting room and the doc coming in the room...."

I don't have to wonder what I would think or do. I've already done that. I have no doubt there would have been just as many cuddles, kisses, and hugs. I would have had just as much love in my heart for JJ. He would still be my little man, and he would still be perfect.

Pictures!!!

Look what Jerry found.... MY CAMERA!!!

JJ in his big boy carseat... on the way to Target. The trip took alot out of him... you can see how he ended up by the time we got home...

Yeah, it's been a fun past couple of days. JJ has been taking four (count 'em, four) naps a day. Crazy. Growth spurt, maybe? I have no idea. All I know is that I wish I could take four naps a day.

Oh oh... check this out... can you see the tooth? Yup, JJ is a big boy alright! It seems to me he's growing so much faster than I ever expected...

Our days are filled with play and job hunting... more play for him, more hunting for me:

Yep, I'm glad my camera is back. Off to take more pictures!