Three Easter Ghosts

We had another 11 straight hours of sleep last night and I'm so thankful. JJ has a way of offering the greatest gifts when he knows that we need it the most.

We both woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed at 6:30 this morning, and after an airplane- and train-impersonating whirlwind of a breakfast, we trotted off to the store around 8.

When I pulled in the parking lot of CVS, I was pretty excited about being the first one in the store - the lot was completely empty. Then I saw it: "Easter Hours: 9 a.m....." DOH! TODAY IS EASTER!!!

JJ and I went to Walmart instead to get him a few big boy cups and some bigger socks. We came home and he crashed out, much like this picture from the other night:

I sat and drank my coffee in complete disbelief. I felt like I had just gotten a visit from the Ghost of Easter Past. Memories of getting up at dawn and dressing in our Sunday best to head off to church for several hours flashed back into my mind. The visions of watching the sun rise and shine through the stained glass windows came back to me, too. Although I was too young to remember the Catholic Easters, as I got to college, several of my friends frequently practiced the holiness of Lent: 40 days of prayer, fasting and almsgiving, in which I participated too. A more modern practice of Lent can be several different layers of the three elements, or simply giving up something that is pleasurable or addicting to your life, as a sacrifice to your faith. Holy communion was a big deal in my church on Easter morning, and I was always honored to participate with my community and my family.

The Easter Bunny was always on time, every year, In addition to a basket filled with goodies (not so much candy, but lots of toys, games, bubbles, and sidewalk chalk), the Bunny always brought each of us a new pair of shoes. One year he even brought me a kit to make a pair of leather moccasins that I got to sew together myself!

Easter this year compared to Easter, say, fifteen years ago, is dramatically different. I woke up this morning and didn't even remember that it was Easter Sunday. I think that's pretty sad. I know that as JJ gets older, holidays will mean more to us, but this year seems like a bit if a blur - every day is the same as the last. JJ will have the same experiences that I did as a child, perhaps even more. The Ghost of Easter Present got jipped on this one... sorry, dude.

It's so funny how things change so dramatically as we get older. Sometimes it changes so fast, you almost feel like one night you go to bed in your bedroom, and the next morning you wake up in Zimbabwe. Completely naked and ten years older.

Oh, and don't worry everyone - I talked it over with God and we're cool. And I'm still waiting for the Ghost of Easter Future to come around today...

Do Unto Others...

I just got a big, fat "F- You" from the unemployment office in the mail today. Can you guess what it was?

Here's a hint: Too bad we didn't have a Plan B in place in order to pay the mortgage. We'll have to think of one now. At least, until the Unemployment Hearing in May.

Hey God, how did you know I needed more motivation to find a job? Oh wait. You know everything. Well, then you also know that we'll need some serious Divine intervention right now for our sanity and our bills, let alone putting food in our baby's belly and diapers on his bottom.

Moments like these make me think of that old, desperate question that has slipped out of every one's mind now and then: Why do such bad things happen to good people? I've asked myself that very question more than a few times in the past several months. Why us? Why now? And, most importantly, what did I do to deserve this?

I've spent most of my life with a desire to help people. At first I wanted to be a doctor, but then realized that I didn't love school as much as a doctor should. Then I kind of wanted to be a nurse, but I despised the grueling hours and the dirty work. I fell into retail in college as a way to pay the rent and really fell in love with the idea of helping so many people throughout the course of a day. Every day, I met an unlimited number of strangers who needed me and that was a great feeling.

As I climbed the retail ladder, I realized that helping strangers wasn't the only thing that I was good at. I quickly learned how to help employees, too. Helping those that I worked with, and who worked for me, became the highlight of my retail career because the fruit was there to see. The labor paid off, and I could see the results growing. I loved it.

I have never once treated an employee unfairly, although some disgruntled ones might think otherwise. Sure, I dished out some tough love every now and then, but in the long run, I only wanted what was best for them and the store. A leader is nothing without her team, and a team is nothing without each other.

I spent many years protecting my employees from unjust treatment, unfair advantages, and unethical practices. I've spent my whole life trying to please others. Isn't it a little ironic that I'm being handed all of those things now? Although treating others the same way you want to be treated is a nice gesture, it is far from a guarantee that others will treat you the same. I feel good knowing that I never treated others the way I am being treated now.

After speaking to a friend, my mom, and my 10 year old nephew, I realize now that everything has it's place. My child has his place, my husband, my dog... and this too... and perhaps in ten years, we will look back on this day and laugh.

I can't wait to laugh about this.

Quick Shift of Season

Here we go. Two blogs in one day. I'm on a roll.

The past few days have been a little unsteady for me. I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world who has ever stared at herself in the mirror and said "Huh?!"

The past couple of weeks when I felt close to normal was a nice break, but as I previously reported, I knew it wouldn't last long. There suddenly aren't enough hours in the day. I can't find enough energy to be productive to my liking. I can't get motivated to do the laundry. I'm having a hard time falling asleep at night. I feel like I will be jobless forever. My appetite seems to have taken a vacation. I'm irritable and scared. Over everything. The auto-pilot switch has been on for a few days and I'm okay with that, for now. The problem with auto-pilot is I feel like I'm not really living, just surviving - kind of like just holding my breath and floating, rather than making headway by swimming. I desperately need a life jacket.

Our situation is far from dire and I know that. I keep thinking about all of the "what-ifs" and it's overwhelming. There are so many to choose from. Anything can happen to us in this vulnerable state and it's terrifying.

I'm struggling. God, I'm struggling. It's been six months, how long will this last? We're in between a rock and a hard place here when it comes to finding a solution: I was making arrangement to get some therapy to get through the post partum crap, but when I lost my job, I lost my insurance, too. Great timing, eh?

As I sit here listening to JJ snore into the baby monitor, my heart swells with love for him and Jerry, and it makes me think that adding a little glimmer of hope to the dreary blogs that find their way to the screen is a good thing. A good thing indeed. We're still getting through this together.

America's Parent Series: Green/Natural Parenting and Our JJ Approach

Jerry and I have always been interested in living greener. My parents are big proponents for green living and having lived on a farm for my whole entire life, I learned a thing or two about conservation and preservation.

Have I practiced any of it since I moved out of Mom and Dad's farmhouse? That's another story.

When I got pregnant, my research on babies revealed two things: how expensive babies are and how significant a baby's carbon footprint is. Since long before JJ was born, we've been conceiving more than a bundle of joy - we've been thinking of ideas on how to save money and be greener.

The first thing that I decided on was making his nursery decor. It was easy after I decided on what pattern and learned a few tricks. Some forward planning was all I needed in order to make the decorations for his changing table, the changing pad cover, the diaper stacker, curtain, crib skirt, letters for his name on the wall, and the door hanging. We even fixed up an old guitar of Jerry's for a wall hanging. I will post pictures later, but the baby is asleep right now... or at least trying to sleep.

I didn't realize until recently of the global impact of my DIY nursery decor. Think about it: have you ever been amazed at the amount of packaging that, well, anything comes in? All of that cardboard for the original box, which is usually shrink wrapped and put into another box for protection. Then that box is put into a large cardboard crate with other units for shipment. Then those crates are shipped, which uses an exorbitant amount of fuel, to the store. Then the store unpacks those crates, outer boxes, and shrink wrap to put those items on the shelf. News flash: most department stores do not recycle those packing materials! The consumer then drives to the store, using more fuel, and purchases the item. Once the consumer gets the item, the packaging is thrown away, usually not recycled. This is the story for every new items you purchase in the store.

Other things that we did not cost packaging on: two borrowed cribs, one borrowed changing table, one old bookshelf that we painted, one borrowed rocking chair. We bought a good deal of our baby gear used, with the exception of the stroller and car seats. We borrowed his jumper and a lot of clothes from a good friend, too.

We also make our own baby food. Think about it this way: from about 6 months until about a year or so, a baby uses around 6 small jars of baby food a day. That's 1080 jars and lids used. Let me reiterate: not everyone recycles, and there is production waste involved with making all of those jars, too! Those jars are also packaged with lots of cardboard and plastic prior to grocery store arrival, who do not recycle those materials!

And think about it: do you really know why baby food doesn't expire for nearly two years? (hint, it's not the pressure cooking) Food manufacturers are not required to list ingredients if the amount is below a certain level of saturation. That is, if in a 2 oz jar of baby food, if the maximum level of a preservative is 1 gram per FDA, the preservative is not listed if the level is .9 gram. Making baby food is a surefire way to know exactly what is going into your baby and it's way cheaper, too. Not only that, nearly everything is available organic now, so that's a plus.

I'll agree that green living requires an adjustment. We're getting way into it now, by replacing our light bulbs, and hardcore recycling. We're unplugging our appliances that we're not using, and a few other things that reduce our footprint.

But... just because we're trying doesn't mean that we're doing everything. For example, I'm not cloth diapering (although I'm very interested in starting soon!) for the simple fact that it just doesn't fit our lives right now. I didn't put much forethought into it before JJ was born, but I'm doing my research and I may figure it out before JJ goes back to daycare. As soon as I run out of wipes, we will be switching to reusable ones, though. I don't want to get into the impact of disposable diapers in landfills, but you can google it if you want.

Other things are pretty easy: using washable bibs instead of those disposable ones, planting a garden (next year, I just couldn't get it together this year!) or shopping at your local farm or produce stand, and of course recycling. Any little thing that can be done to protect the earth is worth it!

Although we're still learning, it's still an adventure, like every other day. And now a cute picture of my kid.

Gross Anatomy

I’m grouchy. We didn’t sleep well last night, so I’m not functioning well today. I fell hard at the rink the other night and now my leg is pretty sore. I’m grouchy.

JJ was in a bad mood today, too. I find much curiosity in how our emotions seem to parallel each other’s. The house is a mess, but do I care? Nope. Instead of cleaning, I took a bubble bath. Relaxing was delightful. It occurred to me in the tub that my body is finally mine again. After more than a year, it’s finally back to normal. Well, almost.

Disclaimer (I’m making a lot of these, aren’t I?): Slightly graphic material to follow. Use your own imagination at your own risk.

Top ten ways I know my body is mine again

-I noticed in the mirror, before I got in the tub, that my stretch marks are finally beginning to lighten.

-The “Linea Negra,” that funny brown line that appears down the center of every pregnant belly, is fading but still there. It’s ok, I don’t mind.

-My C-Section scar is still so sensitive, you can only imagine what my bikini line looks like, but at least the scar isn’t red anymore.

-My period FINALLY stopped after five STRAIGHT months (knock on some serious wood here.) No, I’m not making that up. Nine months of no periods is NOT a free pass – you gotta pay all that back later.

-The baby weight is long gone, plus five bonus pounds.

-All of the strange blood blister-looking-things all over my body have nearly disappeared; only a few linger here and there.

-The “mask of pregnancy” spot is still hanging around above my left eyebrow, but I can tell that it’s shrinking.

-I can wear my contacts again after about nine months.

-My hair has stopped falling out and is now back to it’s normal, frizzy, unruly self.

-The tummy squishiness is diminishing and the midsection figure is starting to return, just in time for bikini season.

After I thought about all of this, I began to feel better about the whole grouchy thing. Then I thought about myself a year ago. About this time last year, Jerry pulled over in front of a church on Easter Sunday so I could vomit my breakfast on their front lawn as they were dismissing the congregation from the service. I’ll admit it one of my better moments. How about the time that I sat outside on the porch at 6 a.m. and vomited into the snow beside the step? It wasn’t long after the March snow last year. OH and what about waking up at 2 and 4 every sing morning because I was starving, only to taste it again when I got out of bed in the morning?

Things that set me off: salsa, smoke, Arm and Hammer litter, coffee, riding in the car, sleeping upstairs (turned out to be the Airwick that was plugged in beside the stairs), flossing, dog and cat food

Things that made it all better: milk and Zofran for 26 straight weeks, until the Hell Fire otherwise known as heartburn kicked in. Then, nothing helped.

Ah yes. It’s nice having my body back again. Many people told me back then it would “all be worth it.” I didn’t see their point. In fact, I wanted to scream when people made any kind of light of the endless suffering that I was going through. I didn’t understand why I had to endure discomfort after hardship after trial after tribulation. Wasn’t this pregnancy thing supposed to be a natural thing my body was made to do? Wasn’t it supposed to be easy?! I HATED being pregnant, and everyone knew it.

Now, I have two words for the past 15 months: Worth it.

America's Parent Series: Attachment Parenting and Our JJ Approach

*Disclaimer for following blog: I am FAR from a perfect parent. Every parent is entitled to raise their child as they see fit. I am not “bashing” or “discounting” any parenting style.*

Since I’ve been a newly designated “stay at home mom,” (at least, for now) I’ve had a unique opportunity to observe other parents and how they interact with their children. I believe I’ve been looking for tips or tricks on being out and about with a baby, perhaps how I can make an outing more enriching or productive for both of us. The answers to my inquiries are far from resolved but I have noticed one consistent thing with all of the parents: Every single one is drastically different. I’m incredibly interested in the many different styles of parenting and will start with my own.

My parenting style is very simple: I do what feels right. I haven’t read a single baby book, I haven’t committed to a single parenting style, and I haven’t ever, EVER ignored my instinct. The mother’s instinct always conquers trouble. I never researched attachment parenting styles until recently and was surprised that a lot of the practices in our home fit in with this particular parenting approach.

I’m only going to address the areas in which I have experience, considering that my baby is only six months old. Much more information exists on a wide array of attachment parenting, most of which I haven't even read.

Attachment parenting encourages breastfeeding
I desperately tried to breastfeed and failed miserably, and it was right for both of us to switch to formula. I did everything I could to keep the breastfeeding going, but all of us were at our wits end and for the sake of all of our sanities, we had to switch. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but we were happier in the end, so that is all that matters.

Attachment parenting encourages co-sleeping
We tried co-sleeping but JJ slept much better without me tossing and turning all night long. Then we tried sleeping in the same room for a while, but JJ still woke with the tossing, turning, and noise that Jerry and I made in our sleep. When I switched him to a crib, he slept like, well, a baby. I am still amazed and very thankful now that he's sleeping in his own crib.

Attachment parenting encourages baby wearing
This one I can do. Other than today, I can’t remember a time when I pulled out my stroller out in public. Sure, I use the stroller when we’re going out for a jog, but when I’m out, JJ is usually in the Mei Tai or the Moby wrap. He loves it and its super comfortable, even for a 22 pound baby. When he gets tired of the baby wearing, or I need to bend or pick up a bunch of heavy objects, he’s in the cart, armed with his seat cover and toys galore. Today was the exception: I injured my knee yesterday and didn’t think that carrying 22 extra pounds on it was a great idea. I felt a little guilty about JJ being in the stroller and missing a lot of the sights, but my knee needs to be healthy for him.

At home, I wear JJ while I’m vacuuming, loading the dishwasher, folding clothes… pretty much anything that doesn’t involve the use of chemicals that he could breathe in, or a lot of bending over. He loves it.

Attachment parenting encourages natural sleep
Just the thought of sleep training makes me cringe. In my opinion, sleep training breaks a baby’s natural cycle of sleep and adjusts it to fit that of the parent. I have quite strong opinions on this: It’s selfish. It’s unhealthy. It crushes a baby’s confidence and trust in mom and dad, even if the training only takes a few days. Its future consequences far outweigh the short term benefits. When JJ is tired, I put him to bed. When he is awake, we do other things. We fell into a natural rhythm of sleeping at night and being awake during the day because we were so close when he was tiny. He’s made his own schedule and I stick to it faithfully. Granted, when he goes back to daycare, it will change again. We will adjust when the time comes.

He never cries when he wakes on his own after confidently getting just the right amount of sleep that his body needs. He falls asleep soundly on his own, because both he and I have learned what to do when he’s tired. We never miss an opportunity to nap. Ever. Even at daycare, the natural sleep cycle prevailed and he slept well there.

Another important thing about sleeping: I always respond to JJ’s calls at night. In fact, I always promptly respond to all of his calls and cries. He feels confident that if something is wrong, I’ll be there to fix it. If he wakes up and nothing is wrong, he goes back to sleep. I did nothing to encourage this cycle; it just happened naturally on its own. As it should. He sometimes sleeps 13 hours at night and usually takes three 45 – 60 minute naps a day. Sleeping is not painful or uncomfortable, so no crying involved.

All of these things worked for our family, so that’s what we have done and are currently doing.

Attachment parenting as potential prevention of Post Partum Depression
This one surprised me. Several resources out there have pointed to Attachment Parenting as prevention and even treatment for post partum depression. The reason for this is that attachment parenting builds confidence in the parent to do the instinctive thing for the baby. I can say from personal experience, a major symptom of PPD is extreme paranoia about unintentionally neglecting your child or not doing the right thing. With increased confidence that communication with your baby is at a premium, the paranoia eventually withers away, leaving a secure baby and parent.

Yes, some parents reading this will think “She’s lucky to have such an easy baby.” I believe there are no such things as “easy” or “difficult” babies. All babies are the exact same when they come out of the womb. They all have the same basic needs (with the exception of preemies, colicky, or other special needs babies, of course.) It’s the parent that makes or breaks the “easy baby” blessing, not the other way around.

Like I said earlier, I am not discounting any styles of parenting, nor am I endorsing attachment style parenting. I’m merely exploring the different types of child-rearing practices, including those in other countries. I’m amazed at the diversity of each parent and with this exploration; I’m hoping to become a better one.

Ladybugs Aren't All Ladies

The invasion has begun. Yes, they're back. Hundreds and hundreds of ladybugs, swarming our yard, covering our back door, squirming into our kitchen window. They're getting in the house somehow, we just don't know how yet.

They're everywhere. Red, polka-dotted, evil, falling into your food/bathtub/hair/coffee, crawling on your ceiling, buzzing into the light fixtures. They're everywhere, and I've had enough.

Just look at that bug. Sinister, isn't it??

Yeah, I know that ladybugs supposedly bring good luck, and they are "nature's crusaders." In fact, a ladybug can eat up to 20 rose aphids a day, which is great news for flower gardeners. Many farmers have ordered ladybugs from distributors in Asia, due to their sustainability and vigor. Most ladybugs live one season, but the foreign imported ladybugs live for many seasons and hibernate during the winter months. Virginia is seeing many of these imported ladybugs.

Great news for farmers, bad news for my kitchen window.

I tried spraying them with water and scooping them into a Tupperware container to get them outside. They resisted. I tried scooping them with the flyswatter, they again resisted. When the masses got the memo and invaded my kitchen, I was ready. Armed with the removable canister from my Bissell Lift Off, I vacuumed them up. All 234,216,997 of them.

The battle may have been won, but the war is not over. They will return tomorrow, and my vacuum and I will be ready.