A New Look

Theme! Rhyme! Reason! Purpose!

I've FOUND all of these things in my blog. Just now. Go me.

I've been waiting and watching for something to come of my blog other than random blabber and words. Here it is. This is what I'm passionate about.

I have been thinking hard about writing a book but have yet to figure out what I would write it on. This may be a good start.

There are so many things that I wish people had told me about prior to having JJ. SO MANY THINGS. I want to make those things available to other women out there who wonder how in the heck they can make it back to daycare before they close if they get stuck in traffic and a host of other random things. These things I've learned on my own - it hasn't been easy. I'll share personal experiences, ways to save money, DIY projects, how to get more sleep, and many other fun things. I'll share things that I struggle with like Post-Partum depression and stress management.

This blog is now available on Google, Yahoo, and other search engines. It is also emailable. I would love to receive questions from other new moms about every day events that seem very complicated, and offer help and advice when I can.

My whole point of this: Being a new mom does not have to be a constant guessing game!

See you in the next blog!

New Challenge

I can hear the frogs practically screaming at each other through the open window. A cold front just hurried through and now the temperature is WONDERFUL outside - a nice break from the thick humidity that's been hanging over Chester for the past few days.

Monday is the day. I start a new job and I have to admit - I have some reservations. Sure, I'm excited about starting something new... but there is so much that sits on that excitement and smothers it.

I want to be with my son. I'm not talking spending some time with him - I'm talking about spending ALL the time with him. I worked really hard to find a stay at home job, but it just didn't work out. Perhaps one day. I'm going to keep looking.

Being a working mother is incredibly hard. I can't even describe how difficult it is to leave your child, come home exhausted just to put your baby directly to bed, and start all over the next day. When I'm at work, all I think about is my baby. When I'm away from him, he's on my mind.

I realized the other day that perhaps the root of the post partum depression wasn't because JJ is here... it's because he's not here. I haven't had a SINGLE symptom since I've been out of work. Not one. Now I already feel it coming back, just with the thought of going back and leaving him once again. Coincidence? I think not.

The real challenge here is not the new job, or the magnitude of the work, or the commute - it's surviving and coping with being away from my child. It's inevitable anyway... kindergarten is just around the corner, right?

DIY Nursery: JJ's Room, Volume I

I've been telling people that I will do this. I've been promising that I would divulge my secret on how I outfitted my kid's ENTIRE room for under $200. Now, I'm coming through on all of those (partially empty) promises.

It's true. I outfitted my kid's room for a serious fraction of what I could have spent (I'll explain how in another blog!). I'm not including gifts, here, but really the only thing that we received as a gift as far as the nursery goes were the crib bumpers. JJ's furniture is all handed down, with the small exception of his new crib, which I will talk about later. I will post a separate blog with instructions and tips for each piece in subsequent blogs, with close up pictures. Let's take a tour of the room!


Let's start with the door hanging, which was one of the last things that I made from his room. I purchased the guitar wooden cutouts for this door hanging and painted them, then put glitter and glow in the dark paint on them. They are mounted with guitar picks and letters on a yellow satin ribbon. The letters I cut out of cardboard and covered with decorative paper.


As you walk into his room, on your left is something interesting. Jerry had this OLD guitar (his first one actually) that he was going to get rid of. It was beat up and ugly, but I took it under my wing, worked hard on it, and this is what happened:
It is bolted to the beam right behind that wall. I always get tons of compliments on it when people come into the nursery.

Directly in front of the door is JJ's crib. His original crib was given to us by my parents, who still had it from when my 5 year old nephew was a baby. It was recalled and we exchanged it for this crib. Even if this crib wasn't exchanged, it was very inexpensive and we probably would have bought it if we didn't have a hand-me-down. It is a 4 way convertible and it cost about $89 on walmart.com. I'm not kidding. It's very sturdy and perfect for a kid that will just chew it up anyway.

Those crooked bumpers are awesome, and practically started this whole DIY nursery. I didn't want to invest in bumpers that I would have to take out of the crib anyway due to safety reasons, so I registered for these breathable ones (which aren't always crooked, I just didn't feel like taking another picture!). You can check them out at: http://www.breathablebaby.com/.

The crib skirt was made from a pattern I found online. It took about 20 minutes from start to finish. I also made the rail cover (JJ is a chewer!) from a cut up towel covered with music note fabric. I also got the idea and a pattern online. Each rail will soon have a cover, too, because I'd rather JJ not eat paint and wood as a midnight snack.

On the wall above the crib is JJ's name - the real one:

I printed the letters (big ones!) and then used them as a pattern to cut these letters out of cardboard. I covered them with the guitar fabric that I used for the crib skirt. Hot glue works great to fasten the fabric to the back of the letters. They are hanging with yellow satin ribbon.

On the other side of the room is the changing table, which was also a hand me down from my parents. It was a little scratched and beat up, but I sanded it and painted it, bringing it back to a very nice finish.

The changing pad cover was a PAIN to make, but it was worth it when I was finished. I don't know if I can even make directions for it. I don't even think I want to.

I used guitar pics and painted wooden guitar cut outs to decorate the changing table. I bought those bins at Walmart for $3 each, and they are worth twice their weight in diapers.

The next edition of DIY Nursery: JJ's Room will include a diaper stacker, curtains, two mobiles, and a rocking chair cushion.

The Great Hunt

Good grief, when did blogging become such a chore?

Nine working days have passed since I won my unemployment case and we still have not seen a single dime from the Government. Thanks for the hustle there, Obama. You f-ing rock, dude.

While we're waiting for a nice fat Govie check, I've been trekking out into several interviews. One promising interview is for a Visual Merchansider Manager with Forever 21 (www.forever21.com) at Regency Square Mall. I'm extra excited about this job because it seems like everything fits - the hours, the pay, the duties, the type of work... the commute sucks, but I'm willing to trade for a great job.

The other was a big build up and a huge let down. It was with a marketing firm here in Richmond. They are looking for customer service agents to sell appointments for Sears and Home Depot and other retailers. The commission was good. The people were fun. I thought this might have been the big one, until I realized that the company required 6 day work weeks, with 10 hours per day. Sorry, but I've worked 60 and 70 hours per week before. My feet were angry with me for weeks after that. I can't do it to them again. Ever.

So the marketing firm offered me the job and I've yet to call them and decline. Sucks to be them.

Other than that, the hunt is going, uh, well....? It seems to me that every week or so, a bunch of great new jobs will turn up, but more than half of them are scammy, work at home deals that you have to pay to become involved in. What is up with that? Excuse me, but I'm looking to get paid, not to pay you to maybe give me a job. It just doesn't make much sense to me. This puts a crimp in my serious job searching efforts because I don't know if a unknown company is legitimate or scam. People will do anything to other people now, and scamming people out of money ranks right on the top of the "Dirty things that dirty people do" list.

Anyway. JJ will be 8 months old next week, so I will have some pictures up to commemorate the occasion. A big deal, indeed.

On the 69th day...

Number of days since I lost my job: 69
Moments I've missed it since then: 0
Kisses I've planted on JJ's head: 398,654 (approximately)
Number of times I've felt free: 1

My unemployment hearing was today. I don't "know" the outcome, but my previous company did not appear on the call. A small statement was taken from them, but there was no case. This is undoubtedly a good thing.

My ties to them are severed. I have nothing that leaves me hanging from them. Today, I'm truly free. Referring back to the previous blog, I have no contempt in my heart. There is no room now, because two Jerrys fill the space so perfectly. I am quite thankful for them.

I realized that a few things remain since I drove past my old office building today on my way out to do some work with my mom-in-law. I want a work family again. Badly. It's what I miss the most about Mikasa - the family I had there. I thought I had a family at my old company. I thought I was cared about. I wanted to be, at least. What's left almost feels like two months after a break up - you wonder what might have been, you throw away everything that reminds you, and you find a new boyfriend.

On the 69th day, I'm seeing greener pastures. On this beautiful 69th day, I don't wish my life was the same as it was a year ago. The day is a hidden blessing, giggling under it's cover with anticipation of the wonderful things about to come.

Several Day Blog

I just realized that today was Cinco de Mayo. A very exciting day, indeed. Tonight, I will be without a Corona in hand, however, but I am thinking about making Mexican food tonight for dinner. I'd say that counts.

Upon realizing that today was, in fact, Cinco de Mayo, I also noticed that my older sister celebrated her 30th birthday this past weekend. Since I didn't even notice until today (her birthday was on the 2nd), it's pretty obvious to me that I still don't miss her. I'm still okay with that, too.

Now it's May 11. It's never taken me this long to write a blog, but I've avoiding this one. On purpose. It's a several day blog.

I don't talk about her much. In fact, I don't talk about her at all. I don't have any pictures of her and the memories that are left are fuzzy and gray. Most people don't even know that I have two sisters. Sometimes I don't know that I have two sisters...

We used to ride bikes together. We would have Barbie fashion shows and go swimming and play basketball and swing on the swing set. When times were good, that is...

She joined the Navy when she was 17, in order to "get the hell out of here." She would tell stories to people about how my mother was an alcoholic and beat her. She would say that she had to sleep on the floor while me and my younger sister got to sleep in a bed. She said all kinds of horrible things about our family that weren't true. We didn't know then that she was sick. We didn't know that she didn't know what she was doing. We thought she was evil.

At 19 years old, she was married to her second husband. In May of 1999, she called my mother at 2 a.m. to tell her that she was pregnant, and my mom hung up on her. The conversation had quickly turned from disbelief on my mom's part to my sister screaming at her through the phone "why aren't you happy for me?!" My nephew, William, was born in February the following year.

It wasn't long before my sister left her second husband, and her baby, to go be with another man. She'd been in and out of jail for numerous crimes against the Navy and later was dishonorably discharged. My parents assumed custody of William when he was 15 months old when his father couldn't afford to take care of him alone.

My sister found out about my parents' custody a few years later and launched a massive three year custody battle which, thankfully, she abandoned for completely unknown reasons.

My sister has Bipolar Disorder and is non-compliant with meds. I noticed the other day there was a special about it on TV, and I had to turn it off. I couldn't watch, because those stories were so close to home, it sent chills up my spine. Her story could go on for several more blogs, but no one wants to read about horrible people. No one wants to see what an awful person she had become, and what she did to those that loved her. I thought horrible things about her. I wanted her dead. I hated her. Passionately. She poisoned my life with rage and contempt.

I think all of this is coming out because my grandmother's birthday was Sunday. I think about her a lot. Every day, in fact. She talked about my sister often and prayed that she would come back a changed person. I once asked my grandmother if she really wanted that, after all that my sister had done. She looked me in the eye, and said "She needs forgiveness more than anyone."

Normally I don't quote scripture, but this one sticks in my mind. After my grandmother told me that my sister needed forgiveness, she went to her bible and read me this:

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times." "Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him.Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. "But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. "His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' "But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. "Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. "This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart." Matthew 18: 21-35

That last sentance really is what I remember most from my grandmother's lesson. Forgiveness is not easy. It's taken me several years to do it. I forgive her. She doesn't know what she's done and doesn't understand what the result was. But her slate is clean in my heart. This doesn't mean that I want her to appear on my doorstep tomorrow. This doesn't mean that I want her to come be a part of my life again. It just means that I have no contempt for her. Not any more. The sister that I used to play with and have fun with doesn't exist anymore. And I'm okay with that.

A Month Older Already?

Wow. It's been a while. I'm sorry, Blog, you've been neglected. Please don't be mad at me.

Since no one asked me where my blog went, I guess no one missed it. In case you were wondering, however, I'll tell you. It went no where.

The past month has been rather busy. I've been very preoccupied in the yard the past few weeks, trying to get it ready to brave the summer. I didn't do much yard work last year due to my pregnancy, so now I have this year's work AND last year's work to take care of. It's been quite tedious, to say the least.

As most of you already know, I've also gotten into a new... hobby? Sport? I dunno what I would call it:

Yep. Roller skating. I'm talking old school, knee socks, four wheels per foot, roller rink skating. I'm amazed at the excitement and fulfillment that skating brings. When I'm out there in a sea of strangers, sailing around on tiny wheels, everything is okay. Nothing matters except staying upright. The stress, the worry, the doubt, the pressure... it doesn't exist out there. I feel carefree, only wondering how much faster I can go without the rental skate falling apart.

Don't worry, I don't think I'll be skating in rentals forever.

I've been tossing around the idea with Jerry of joining the roller derby. Although I have a long way to go, I think it would be hysterically fun, and I would have some hobby that I actually enjoy doing, rather than something I just happened to be good at.

Back to reality: The job hunt is going slow, as expected. The unemployment hearing is on the 14th. That's about all the news I have on that.

JJ has been sleeping much better lately. I can't remember the last time he woke in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep without eating. It's a big improvement. He's been napping well, too sometimes two to three hours at a time. He's been falling asleep on his own at night for a few weeks and recently started doing so for naps. It's very exciting for me because some of the pressure of his relentless dependence is easing a bit.

As far as the depression... some days are still not good. I'm happy to report that I have more "okay" days compared to bad ones, and a few good ones sprinkled in there somewhere. With time, I can feel the symptoms starting to ease, peeling away like the skin of an onion. For a long time, my focus was on surviving. Now? I think I might be living. Maybe.

Well, Blog, it's been nice visit. I promise I will try not to neglect you as much as I have in the past month. I'll see you real soon...