The Right Direction

It’s been a rough few weeks.

However, I announced to Facebook this morning that bad things happen in threes – which meant that I would certainly not be struck by lightning on my way to work this morning.  I found little comfort in that as I dragged my sick self out of bed and into the shower. 

Day 4 has been better than day 3.  And 2.  And 1.  And all of the others from the previous month. A step in the right direction on the path to surviving the rest of cold and flu season.

Pneumonia is kicking my ass and the AAP decides to finally step up their game and throw out new guidelines for car seat regulations.  My first fear is that we will have to buy, yet another, car seat.  We’ve already gone through three of them, almost four, and buying another one would not be in my sanity’s best interest.  I don’t know why I thought this initially, but as I read the article, I found nothing in it that surprised me. 

The basic premise:  your child MUST be rear facing until they are at least 2 or as long as they reach the weight/height limit on the seat.  This is now a law, folks, not just a recommendation. 

Before JJ turned a year old, he out grew his infant seat by height.  While he remained under the weight limit, we knew it was time for the car seat upgrade.  Since he wasn’t a year old yet, we opted for a three-in-one seat that could grow with him.  We purchased a Safety 1^st Alpha Omega Elite seat, with a 35 pound rear facing limit, 50 pound front facing limit, and 100 pound booster limit.  It was huge, but we accommodated.  JJ seemed more comfortable in it, as well as safer, so we were pretty happy.

Then the dreaded realization came in – we couldn’t move that car seat from car to car as easily as the infant seat.  Only a few weeks passed until we realized that we needed, yet another, car seat.  Fun for us.

Luckily for me, the seat that I had my eye on since JJ was in utero had been reduced in price and was more readily available: Safety 1^st Complete Air - rear facing to 40 pounds, front facing to 65, but no booster option.  Booster seats are inexpensive anyway, so it didn’t stop the purchase.  Not terribly worried, either – my 11 year old nephew just tipped the scale at 70 pounds, so if we can keep JJ in this harnessed seat until he’s 10, I’m quite happy with that.    It has the cool air bags that help reduce side impact injury.  And it’s red.  We like red.

This new seat fit much better in my 2008 Chevy Cobalt, so the Alpha Omega went in the truck and the Air went in my car, both rear facing.  We were only pseudo-comfortable in the car with the HUGE car seat in the back, but we had at least a few more months before JJ turned 1.  We made do.  We knew JJ was safer that way, anyway.

When JJ did turn 1, I never turned the seat around because of this video.  Try not to cry:  http://www.joelsjourney.org/ViewJoelsvideo.html.  Check out the rest of the website, too.  There are lots of other stories about kids just like Joel.  The website isn’t that “pretty,” but I think it gets the point across.  I didn’t turn JJ around because of Joel.  Joel’s Grandpa had the courage to step out and let his voice be heard about kids and car accidents and the AAP finally is doing something about it.

We did eventually purchase a bigger car and since then, my life has been bliss with all the space.  I realize that option is not available for many people, and we did just get lucky with my new car.  If we had been stuck with the Cobalt for another few years, JJ still would be rear facing until he reached the weight limit of the seat.  Four properly restrained, forward facing kids die every day because of injuries in a car.  I don’t want my child to be one of them.  He’s too busy breaking coffee tables with his face, anyway. 

Yes, I know I preach.  Yes, I know this is not my first (nor will it be my last) tirade on car seat safety.  But parents, the right direction for your small child is backwards and the real restriction should read as this:  if your child is under the weight and height limit for the car seat, face them backwards no matter how old they are.  Do it until they are literally too big.  After that, put them in a front facing 5-POINT-HARNESS until they are literally too big.  No front seat until age 13. Have your car seat inspected every three months (I just had mine inspected two weeks ago.) And for the love of all things baby safety, wear your seat belt as a good example.  You can read up on some more basic guidelines here:  http://www.car-safety.org/rearface.html.

True, it’s been a rough few weeks for me, but these AAP guidelines made my day a lot better.  It’s taken them thousands of deaths to realize that kids are safer rear facing.  Thank you, AAP, for opening your eyes taking a step in the right direction and making this sick, pathetic lady very happy.    

Untitled and Unreal

It took only minute for it to happen for me. 

"Rusty's dead." 

I know that we talked about a few other things after she said it, but I don't remember any of it.  I don't remember picking up JJ from school after I hung up the phone, and I don't remember calling Jerry to tell him.  Right now, I'm finding it very difficult to even type about it right now.  It almost doesn't seem real to me.

The next day following that call, I was in the car with my sleeping baby on the way to my mom's.  Throughout the entire two hour ride, I became angrier and angrier.  How could he do this to her?  Why did he have to do it where she could find him?  I hate this.  I hate him for killing himself.  I hate that my sister hurts so badly.  I'm full of hate.  And I hate that.

The first day I got there, I went straight to my sister's house.  She didn't hug me or anything mushy like that.  We just looked at each other.  I wouldn't call it an awkward moment, just an "I don't want us to be together over something like this" moment.  All she wanted was for me to be near her so she knew I was okay.  All she wanted was to know what her family were safe.  For a few hours I wrangled my toddler in her non-baby-proof house and didn't get to spend any time with her.  I spend the entire weekend doing this - standing around, chasing a one-year-old, and not spending time with my sister. 

Actually, that's not entirely true.  On Saturday, I took my mom and the three boys  (my nephews William and James, and JJ) to the video game store to pick out new video games and out to lunch.  It was fun, especially for James, to get away from the house and do something cool.  Other than our three hour outing, the standing around/chasing JJ thing is totally what happened.

The only thing significant I did was drive my sister to her husband's funeral.  Just like the day I drove her to the church to marry him.  As least, I think I did.  My memory isn't as good as it used to be.

To add even more rainbows and butterflies to the weekend, I'm still fighting off a nasty cold and JJ crash landed on my mom's coffee table with his face, subsequently landing both of us (and Jerry and my mom, too!) in the ER on Sunday night.  I ran out of the reception after the funeral because JJ had gotten hurt and didn't even say goodbye to my sister.  I felt terrible about it, so I decided to stay the night to go see her in the morning.  BUT THEN, the hospital called after we got back to let me know that I had left my wallet there.  Icing on the cake, my friends.

I ended up going back to the hospital, which is 30 minutes in the opposite direction of my sister's house, the next morning and didn't go back to her house.   I had a baby who was very tired and at the end of his rope and I needed to get him home.  I couldn't stretch him any further than he was already stretched.  I needed to take care of my family, but I knew her family was already taking care of her.  I felt slightly justified leaving when I did, but I feel guilty about it now.

I don't know what I can do for her except pray.  I'm open to suggestions.   I feel so insignificant.

When something horrible happens to us, this close, it takes at least  few days or so for it to become real.  It took only a minute for it to happen to me.  It will take a lifetime for it to happen to her.  That is what makes me the most sad. 

Not one

My brain has been a scramble lately.  I've been entangled in a web of work, home, husband, baby, and life.  I'm constantly amazed at how fast it's going and I'm a little apprehensive about the ride sometimes.

I often look at what's ahead, but occasionally, I look back. I only look back for the purpose of seeing how far I've come, or how different it used to be. This time is no exception.

A former good friend of mine just gave birth to her first son. We were best friends in high school, but rarely speak now. Several years have passed since we last spoke, in fact. You shouldn't be surprised that I know intimate details of her life from the life-sucking entity known as Facebook.

Ahh, Facebook.  You have such a way about you when you remind me of my past. You have a natural talent for forcing me reminisce about things that I intentionally left so many years ago.  You have an oh-so-curteous way of making me miss it, but only for a few seconds.

This year has been so full of milestones.  I celebrated my child's first birthday.  I delighted in my 5 year wedding anniversary.  I partied like it was 1999, well... like it was 2000.... at my 10 year high school reunion.  And now, it's been ten years since I packed two bags and left my life far behind me for a new, improved version. 

I honestly don't remember saying goodbye.  I can't imagine how my friends must have felt when I disappeared suddenly one morning.  They all knew I was going away to college, but I never made a point to formally bid my farewell.  I wanted out so badly, I knew if I wasted all that breath on "We'll see each other again soon!" to all of those people, I'd regret it one day. 

Actually, I take all of that back.  I remember one.  This one, lonely goodbye was memorable because I knew I had to make it permanent.  How many of those do we ever commit to in a lifetime?  One?  Two?  How many times do we walk away and never come back?

I sat on the sofa and he sat in the computer chair.  We stared at each other with the seriousness and coldness of a new machete in a deep freeze.  The air exploded with the sounds of his voice.  "I guess you'll be back in four years, right?"  The silence that ensued lasted at least a millennium, perhaps a little longer.  When I brushed the dust of the tip of my nose, I could only shake my head.  I didn't like what I was about to say.  "I'm not coming back."  It boomed.  It shook the foundation of the house.  It made the hair on our arms stand up.  It peeled the paint off the walls.  It scared me.  Was he... confused?  Hurt?  Angry?  I couldn't tell.  I don't think he could either.

I hung on to that one for another year or so... but I eventually got to a point where I knew I had to let it go for good, before I ended up going back.

I couldn't go back.  I wanted a different life.

I tried to hang on to a few people, but the more I tried to hang on, the more I realized that my new adventure was in jeopardy of never existing.  I eventually deserted every single friend that I had from back home for the sake of my new life.  I can't blame any of them if they all hate me now.  I would hate me if I were them.   Some of them were very hard to turn around and walk away from.  Some were very easy. 

I didn't go back.  I have my new life and I love it.  It's perfect.  I ran away from my problems and all of those monkeys chasing after me and it worked.  My God, it worked.  There are no "what-ifs" and "I shoulda/woulda/couldas."  There are no regrets.  Not one. 

Nope.  Not one. 

Back to Facebook.  Since FB has such a great way of bring all of this back, I've been considering (you might want to sit down here...) breaking up with Facebook.  Right now, we are engaged in a trial seperation, which will last one week, and then we will reunite to discuss our options.  Let's face it, we all now know that I have no problem packing up and leaving to pursue something better.  I feel that Facebook is dragging me down and I don't like that.  We're not seeing eye-to-eye on quite a few things.

I will be sure to keep all of you updated on the situation. 

The Journey

Isn't it funny how sometimes you're shocked to come across something that describes your life perfectly? For example, from a blog that appears on my newsfeed:

JJ and Dad understand each other.

"Are you a rubber band enthusiast that loves making paper airplanes?" WHY YES!! That's amazing how I was JUST thinking that!

Or... on a news headline that I came across yesterday:

"Local Writer Moves to Mommyhood, says "The trip is worth the journey." Amazing, I tell you.

I've been thinking this week (ok, ok... this month... yes I KNOW it's been that long. Sheesh, I'm a busy girl!) about how glad I am that I work and have the ability to do so. I promise each of you, I would have LAUGHED IN MY OWN FACE if I heard me say that six months ago. A little part of me still can't believe that I'm saying that.

The main purpose...

I assure you: This is not about the money, either.

The purpose of my life stretches in many directions. The career that found me is a great one - I'm constantly learning, I'm busy and I'm important - all of those things that I never found with another job (except maybe the busy part). More importantly than all of that - my company feels that my family is more important than my work. Sometimes I'm still in shock over this, because I NEVER found that with any other job. Seems to me that you never have to fit great things into your life - they fit themselves.

Going back to the whole "glad I work" thing... I recall that not long ago, a friend told me that after having her first child, she felt that her "life would suck forever." I'll admit: I felt that way too. The reason I felt that way is because I wasn't fulfilled on all of the levels of my life. I am a businesswoman - I have been for many years and long before JJ came around. That part of my professional life wasn't being fulfilled by the job I was in and it hurt me. I left something wonderful (my son) to go to something horrible. It made me unhappy. Miserable, actually. I didn't realize it until now.

Moonlight kisses are always fun. 

Now... I leave something wonderful (my son) for something almost as wonderful(my job). Although nothing will ever be as good as my boy, at least it's professionally fulfilling. My life is no longer obsessively concentrated on my child. I have a great opportunity to turn my attention to something else that I love and turn it back to him again. Our reunions at the end of the day are sweet and our time together is rich. I'm thankful for that.

I'm also thankful for JJ's bedtime, because then I get to focus on something else in my life that is wonderful - my husband. It feels like I'm changing the channels and every one has my favorite show on. It's a good feeling.

Relaxing is rarely something we do!

It's all about balance, which I feel that a lot of moms don't really understand how to accomplish. Now that I'm starting to understand how to balance my life, I'm feeling fulfilled instead of lost. I feel needed instead of inadequate. I feel important instead of an afterthought.

It's true - Although it's sometimes bumpy, the trip is most certianly worth the journey. I'm glad I'm taking it.

Time In A Bottle

JJ rocks the 'hawk.

When I sit and rock JJ to sleep at night, I think about all of the things yet to come – all the firsts that are just waiting to happen.  I wonder how my life would be even more different when JJ has a little brother or sister.  I’m really looking forward to teaching him things – how to ride a bike, how to cook, how to play games….

But then he falls asleep.  After that kid drifts off into dream land, I always hold him tighter and say to myself “Savor this moment…  Savor this moment…. Savor this moment….” He nuzzles and gets really comfy; I almost don’t want to put him in the crib and go do all of the things that were put off from yesterday.  In fact, I don’t EVER want to put him down.  I wish I could save all of these moments and bottle them up and take them out whenever I want.  Like when he throws a temper tantrum when I try to change his diaper.  Or when I really miss him while I’m at work.  Or the day he leaves for college.

If the shoe fits, chew on it.

No one told me how life would be once he got a little older.  JJ is a crawling, eating, talking, crying, laughing MACHINE.  That kid has more things to do and more places to go than the President.  The most difficult thing right now is the realization that he’s about to turn a year old – and I’m trying to figure out how it happened.  I can physically see him growing and I get a little frightened once I realize how fast it’s happening.  He’s taken his first steps, he’s babbling all over the place, discovering new things…. It’s a flash of light that will be over in a second.  I don’t know how I feel about all of that.

A gentleman that I work with recently told me that your life is like a roll of toilet paper.   As it gets older and older,  it unrolls faster and faster.  It's the cold hard truth:  We all dread getting older but as it starts to happen, we feel like we're on a roller coaster and can't get off.  That ride is so much faster and scarier when you have a kid.  I imagine that it will probably be even faster as he continues to grow.

Trying out our new car seat in the store!

To all my friends who are pregnant or have newborns:  No matter how much you want to scream when you’re up for the tenth time at night, savor the moment.   When you’re frantically rubbing poop out of your hair, savor the moment.  When your little miracle is sleeping in your arms and the entire world could crumble and you could care less… savor the moment.   All of that will be even more precious later.  I promise. 

Seeing Clearly

Every day, JJ is more amazing than yesterday.  He recently took his first step and blew me away.  He's babbling, feeding himself, discovering running water, pestering the kitty, and marathon crawling.  He has more energy than I can ever muster up on my very best day.  Jerry and I are both constantly in awe of his little life, which is going by way too fast.  I feel quite saddened to look back to see that I missed some of that.  Don't worry - I'm making up for it now!

The other day, I backed myself up and read the blogs that I started posting in January.  Memories of desperation, frustration, and anger resurfaced to shed some light on how I'm feeling now.  I have to admit - it's been quite a journey.

My fears of him getting hurt or sick are still positioned on center stage in my life.  I believe that this is quite normal, considering that he's my first child and the majority of parents that I talk to about this feel the same way.  However, the paralyzing fear has eased into a state of constant caution, which is managable.  At the very least, more managable than before.

I never thought I would return to a sense of being a person again from the monotone life that haunted me.  Moms are caregivers - the mission to existence is to take care of the child.  That existence often extends to taking care of everyone else in the world, too.... except Mom often neglects herself.  I don't want to live in a world where I don't matter to myself.  I don't want to feel obligated to take care of everyone.  I'm getting to a point now where I don't do those things anymore.  The only one who needs my care is my child and that's where my obligations stop.  Everything else is bonus points.  I couldn't see that a few months ago and the stress of the burden was overwhelming. 

The tears have nearly all dried up.  When I think about what I was a few months ago, I get a little teary because I actually feel sorry for myself.  I feel sorry for that woman that used to be in my mirror, staring back at me, wondering what to do next.  I want to hug that woman so sat in front of her television, crying hysterically at "A Baby Story."  I want to reach out to her and tell her what I know now. I'd tell her to believe all of those people who are saying that it will get better.  The hopelessness and defeat will fade as fast as they settled in.  Everything is going to be okay.

I don't know if I would believe me if that actually happened.

The grass is getting greener every day.  I still feel as if the journey is not over, but the road is a bit smoother now.  I've turned my auto-pilot off and it's been disconnected for a few weeks.  The denial over the Post-Partum Depression is fading as I'm able to find comfort in looking back with a light heart and realizing that, thankfully, all of it is temporary.  Even as bad days come around now,  I have a sense of hope that tomorrow will probably be a little better, or at the very least - has the potential. 

A Month's Work

I realize that it's been over a month since I've blogged, but so much has happened in that short amount of time, that I really need to write about it now. Things such as this:

America's birthday! We had a great Fourth, spending it with a few friends and some good food. Other than being HOT outside, it was a great time.

Even more importantly than that, I'm no longer a retail slave. I had accepted a position with Forever 21, a clothing retail store at a local mall. I mostly accepted the job because it was different and partly because the State of Virginia Unemployment board said I had to. I only had half a choice in the matter.

Anyway, working there was a little more demanding than what I expected. After the first week, I was not having fun, I was not fulfilled, and most of all... I was going home exhausted and wasn't able to spend any quality time with JJ. I just wanted to sit and put my feet up and that's just not like me. I decided after only two short weeks that I would start looking for another job.

It was a Wednesday that I got a phone call from a woman who found my resume on Monster.com. My resume had been there for... well.... forever. I was pretty skeptical when I called her back, and even more disbelieving when she asked if I could interview for a Proposal Coordinator position the next day. Of course I said yes; coincidentally I had the next day off. I arrived at their downtown office at 2 p.m.on Thursday afternoon, still not expecting much out of the interview. I had looked over the job description that the Human Resources Manager sent to me and the qualifications were higher than those I had under my belt. I knew there was no was I was going to nail this job.

As the interview progressed, I started cracking jokes and making conversation. I figured there was not much reason to be formal- I was under qualified anyway. The two men that interviewed me were hysterical - we laughed our way through the entire process.

I went home strangely satisfied. I felt like the interview went really well, despite my doubts of my qualifications. After all, they wouldn't have called me if they weren't interested. Around 7 p.m. that night, I was finishing up our bedtime routine when the HR Manager called. She told me that I should sit down, which I immediately did.

Not only did she offer me the job, but she wanted me to start that following Monday. I was in such disbelief that I nearly dropped the phone. This was my big break!! I had waited so long for this company to come find me and behold, here they were, with not a minute to spare. I accepted and wondered all night how I was going to break the news to my other job. It wasn't easy, but I divorced my tedious, tiring retail job to begin working with a wonderful Federal Government contractor in downtown Richmond. It's the first day of my third week and I couldn't be more thrilled. I'm not worried about JJ, I'm not worried about taking emergency time off if he's sick, I'm not worried about our finances anymore, I'm not worried about my job security.... it's a tremendous feeling. I have a purpose... my work has a purpose. This is it - this is the big one. The Fat Mama. The grande affaire.

Thanks, Monster. My calling really WAS calling... I owe you guys a big one.