The problem with an unstable mood, which I'm likely convinced that I have since giving birth to my little monster, is when the mood heads south, the nerves kick into high gear. The fear of falling back down into the darkness that consumed me only a year ago is more terrifying than screaming newborn triplets.
That fear sometimes keeps me up at night. The times that I spent depressed, dejected, and frightened during JJ's early months are truly terrifying and just the mere thought of them coming back is.... well.... you get the picture. Sometimes I lay awake thinking about all of the things that I have to do, all of the things that I don't have time for, all of the things that I can be doing better and all of the... other things. Sometimes I fall asleep fine at night, but awaken several times at night. My theory is that I'm waking when JJ turns over in the middle of the night. I've since been turning the monitor down a little and that seems to help. Doesn't stop the mind, though...
Lack of sleep makes me
JJ has taken to expressing himself quite loudly and with many new body language cues. He is practicing new limits, pushing buttons, and testing boundaries. It's also testing the strength of my nerves and the threshold of my patience. Combine this new challenging phase of JJ's development and my own sleeping problems and the Mrs. Hyde is getting dressed for a night out on the town. She's getting dressed to the nines...
So now my nails have been chewed to nubs and I'm quick to snap. I hate it. Passionately. Why? Why is this happening now?
Let's itemize this whole situation, shall we?
Work is stressful.
My allergies are horrible right now.
The yard looks AWFUL because I have an 18 month old baby and terrible allergies.
My car is half waxed.
Litter box is stinky.
Dog is stinky too.
Water in basement. Still.
I need to go to the grocery store.
Dirty dishes in the sink.
I'm so on top of the laundry. No pile ups. No back ups. Fab new washer.
Clutter in my kitchen gone = quicker to put away dishes.
Clutter in my upstaris gone = more likely to have guests.
Bathroom always clean = less stress when people drop by.
My car is clean on the inside. Sort of.
The roomba is earning his keep. He runs every day. Does a good job on most of those days.
My bed is made.
JJ is healthy.
I'm a righty.
I don't have to take off my clothes to make a living.
I have five unopened bottles of wine in my wine rack.
I have a wine rack - in my de-cluttered dining room.
My car rocks.
My husband rocks.
My kid rocks.
My cat's foot is not going to fall off.
My windows are able to be opened and let the spring nighttime air in.
I survived watching "Paranormal Activity 2."
*steps back from the computer screen* hmm. Interesting.
So how often to we put our lives into perspective? I think I should do it more often. I will have to agree with myself (which could be a problem itself) that I do probably have some kind of mood de-stabiliztion issues since JJ arrived, but I have no idea how far from normal this is. It could be completely understandable and normal for a new mom. I don't know - I've never done it before.
Perhaps a massage is in order. Perhaps a nice weekend with my family and some good Easter food will do the trick. Perhaps some time with the girlfriends will help. Whatever it is, I will be sure to figure it out, because I'm willing to do anything to keep from the black hole again.
Tomorrow is Friday, I'm awesome, and it's going to be great. I'm determined.