Seeing Clearly

Every day, JJ is more amazing than yesterday.  He recently took his first step and blew me away.  He's babbling, feeding himself, discovering running water, pestering the kitty, and marathon crawling.  He has more energy than I can ever muster up on my very best day.  Jerry and I are both constantly in awe of his little life, which is going by way too fast.  I feel quite saddened to look back to see that I missed some of that.  Don't worry - I'm making up for it now!

The other day, I backed myself up and read the blogs that I started posting in January.  Memories of desperation, frustration, and anger resurfaced to shed some light on how I'm feeling now.  I have to admit - it's been quite a journey.

My fears of him getting hurt or sick are still positioned on center stage in my life.  I believe that this is quite normal, considering that he's my first child and the majority of parents that I talk to about this feel the same way.  However, the paralyzing fear has eased into a state of constant caution, which is managable.  At the very least, more managable than before.

I never thought I would return to a sense of being a person again from the monotone life that haunted me.  Moms are caregivers - the mission to existence is to take care of the child.  That existence often extends to taking care of everyone else in the world, too.... except Mom often neglects herself.  I don't want to live in a world where I don't matter to myself.  I don't want to feel obligated to take care of everyone.  I'm getting to a point now where I don't do those things anymore.  The only one who needs my care is my child and that's where my obligations stop.  Everything else is bonus points.  I couldn't see that a few months ago and the stress of the burden was overwhelming. 

The tears have nearly all dried up.  When I think about what I was a few months ago, I get a little teary because I actually feel sorry for myself.  I feel sorry for that woman that used to be in my mirror, staring back at me, wondering what to do next.  I want to hug that woman so sat in front of her television, crying hysterically at "A Baby Story."  I want to reach out to her and tell her what I know now. I'd tell her to believe all of those people who are saying that it will get better.  The hopelessness and defeat will fade as fast as they settled in.  Everything is going to be okay.

I don't know if I would believe me if that actually happened.

The grass is getting greener every day.  I still feel as if the journey is not over, but the road is a bit smoother now.  I've turned my auto-pilot off and it's been disconnected for a few weeks.  The denial over the Post-Partum Depression is fading as I'm able to find comfort in looking back with a light heart and realizing that, thankfully, all of it is temporary.  Even as bad days come around now,  I have a sense of hope that tomorrow will probably be a little better, or at the very least - has the potential. 

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