Day two: I have things to do!
Vacuum and shampoo carpets in car in attempt to find my camera: done, and camera not there.
WHERE IS THAT THING?! GD-it, I've been looking for that camera forever. I'm about to put out an amber alert for it. It has to be here somewhere. I just don't know where. UGH.
Next on the agenda: I'm getting around to those thank you cards. From five months ago. I'll be getting around to all of the other things I haven't gotten to do lately, too.
JJ is happily bouncing and playing in his jumper. He's been great the past few days. It still breaks my heart that I've been, and will later be, missing all of his daily antics. I'm enjoying every single second with him right now because I don't know when my amazing opportunity will present itself.
Emotionally, I've been okay since Saturday. I haven't felt this good for this long in many months and I'm wondering when, and if, the down will come back. I would be very naive to think that it won't make a comeback and I'm trying to prepare myself for it. Until then, I'm getting everything done that I can get done so I won't feel so guilty about being sloth when the next wave of crap comes.
With that said, I realize that this blog isn't very interesting, but thta's the joy of feeling temporarily normal - there is nothing to report. I'm gonna strap up my kid and get outside!!
Tuesday
Monday
Day One: Now What?
Aside from the obvious "Look for a job," I'm sitting here with JJ and thinking to myself... What do I do now? I've already applied to four jobs this morning and now I'd like to do something else other than sit at the computer. But what?
It's a beautiful day outside, but where should we go?
Sure, I have some chores to get done and scrap booking to do and thank you cards that still haven't gotten out and lots of playing to do. Lots of playing. It seems so awkward.
Right now, poor Rosita on Sesame Street can't control her sparkling freckles. It's a shame that can't be my only problem. JJ seems uninterested in Sesame, but more interested in trying to pull the toy clip off the jumper and producing more drool than a pack of Bloodhounds. He needs all that drool to go with his new tooth, apparently.
Since it's so nice outside, I think I'll take the baby out for a walk and then come back and work on those thank you cards. I don't have an excuse for them not getting out now. And since I woke up in such a good mood, and Jerry made it even better by bringing JJ to me to snuggle in bed... I'm going to cash in on all that. It's gonna be a good day.
It's a beautiful day outside, but where should we go?
Sure, I have some chores to get done and scrap booking to do and thank you cards that still haven't gotten out and lots of playing to do. Lots of playing. It seems so awkward.
Right now, poor Rosita on Sesame Street can't control her sparkling freckles. It's a shame that can't be my only problem. JJ seems uninterested in Sesame, but more interested in trying to pull the toy clip off the jumper and producing more drool than a pack of Bloodhounds. He needs all that drool to go with his new tooth, apparently.
Since it's so nice outside, I think I'll take the baby out for a walk and then come back and work on those thank you cards. I don't have an excuse for them not getting out now. And since I woke up in such a good mood, and Jerry made it even better by bringing JJ to me to snuggle in bed... I'm going to cash in on all that. It's gonna be a good day.
Saturday
Oh Suck.
Um yeah.
Not really sure where to start here.
I'll come on out, I guess. I never like beating around the bush on anything. I lost my job yesterday. It was quite the surprise, without substantial reason. And that's all I have to say about it.
Sure, I came home and had my little breakdown. Jerry wasn't here, neither was JJ. I was surprised that it only took me a few moments to regain my composure and go pick up the baby from daycare. I'll never forget how happy I was to see him.
After telling Jerry and having our "OH MY GOD" moment, and after going back to the office to pick up my things, we both lay down on the sofa and stewed. Ok, well.... I stewed.
That was it. That was all the crying and all the stewing. That was everything.
Today, I woke with a sense of relief. It was rather strange, and I didn't pay much attention. As I moved about my day, I noticed I had more energy than usual. I don't feel quite so short with Jerry. I'm far from the verge of tears. I feel good, for the first time in a long time. I feel like myself.
Of course this worries me. Did I secretly hate my job? Is this just a coincidental mood swing? Sure I'm excited about being home with JJ for a little while, but I cannot stay home with him for very long. I will need to return to work sooner rather than later. That's just the way it is. Still, I can't help but think that maybe my job was the catalyst for my depression symptoms and was the root of my unstable emotions.
Either way, we are on the up right now and we're doing what we need to do. I'm determined to find a job that I really love and work happily ever after. I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it for my sanity, my husband, and my baby. Watch and see.
Not really sure where to start here.
I'll come on out, I guess. I never like beating around the bush on anything. I lost my job yesterday. It was quite the surprise, without substantial reason. And that's all I have to say about it.
Sure, I came home and had my little breakdown. Jerry wasn't here, neither was JJ. I was surprised that it only took me a few moments to regain my composure and go pick up the baby from daycare. I'll never forget how happy I was to see him.
After telling Jerry and having our "OH MY GOD" moment, and after going back to the office to pick up my things, we both lay down on the sofa and stewed. Ok, well.... I stewed.
That was it. That was all the crying and all the stewing. That was everything.
Today, I woke with a sense of relief. It was rather strange, and I didn't pay much attention. As I moved about my day, I noticed I had more energy than usual. I don't feel quite so short with Jerry. I'm far from the verge of tears. I feel good, for the first time in a long time. I feel like myself.
Of course this worries me. Did I secretly hate my job? Is this just a coincidental mood swing? Sure I'm excited about being home with JJ for a little while, but I cannot stay home with him for very long. I will need to return to work sooner rather than later. That's just the way it is. Still, I can't help but think that maybe my job was the catalyst for my depression symptoms and was the root of my unstable emotions.
Either way, we are on the up right now and we're doing what we need to do. I'm determined to find a job that I really love and work happily ever after. I'm going to do it.
I'm going to do it for my sanity, my husband, and my baby. Watch and see.
Friday
Let It Shine....
Yesterday I didn't blog. I apologize to the fictitious people out there that anxiously await my blog every afternoon. You were surely disappointed yesterday and I'm sorry. It will not happen again, unless it is for a very good reason.
I'm happy to report that I just found spellchecker on the blog entry window. Yay.
Yesterday I didn't blog because I physically couldn't. Not only did I have absolutely nothing to say about anything, but I was so..... sloth.... yesterday that it took every ounce of reasonable energy I had to even function normally at work. It's not even about just functioning, it's about acting like I'm perfectly fine and happy. It's truly exhausting. Thankfully, I'm not on auto pilot every single day, just a few here and there. I'm afraid to think that perhaps those kind of days are becoming more frequent.
I went home yesterday and put JJ in his jammies and put him to bed. He didn't fall asleep immediately, probably because Jerry and I were trying to have a conversation while I was putting him to bed and he was super tired. When he finally did fall asleep, I had already been crying for a few minutes. It was like a crack in a fish tank - it just kept leaking until the glass finally burst and I was crying for over an hour. Jerry held me as if he was holding my pieces together, which helped tremendously. I suddenly and strongly felt, again, that I was a horrible mother and wife. I felt that I would never live up to JJ's expectations for me as his mom. I can't always be there to comfort him when he cries and it kills me. I worry that he is going to get sick or get hurt somehow. I'm terrified of him slipping in the bathtub. I worry about everything. I feel so inadequate.
I'm not discounting all of the encouraging words that I've been hearing from several caring people. I'm not at all saying that none of that matters to me. It's the exact opposite - I think about all those words when I'm paralyzed at my kitchen sink, washing dishes, and suddenly can't process how to get a mug into the dishwasher. All of those words make me realize that I can keep going.... that I have to keep going.
Over the past week, I've noticed a new strange thing about me, to top everything else off. Have you ever touched an electric fence? I did when I was a kid, and although I wasn't hurt, I felt the electricity stream through my body as it exited through my foot. The sensation that I felt was like nothing I'd ever experienced. It was, literally, and electric feeling throughout my body.
What I'm feeling now, in waves, is similar to that feeling. I attributed it to exorbitant amounts of coffee consumption and cut down to only one cup a day (it's excruciating.) While I'm feeling "electric," I've been very jumpy and even the smallest thing startles me. Thankfully the feeling has never lasted more than a few hours and the cut back in coffee is helping. Still, I can't help but sit back and think to myself... WTF??
Needless to say, I was fairly sure that the sun wouldn't come up this morning. But there it was, right on schedule, shining in the front room window as brightly as sunly possible. JJ woke in a good mood even though he didn't sleep very well last night and I was even more surprised that I woke up in a decently normal mood, too. JJ and I chatted and had a few giggles over getting dressed and eating and it was nice. I love the way we have our own super secret, wordless language that only he and I understand. It makes me feel like he thinks Mommy and Daddy are the coolest people ever, and if JJ thinks that, it must be true.
Right?
I'm happy to report that I just found spellchecker on the blog entry window. Yay.
Yesterday I didn't blog because I physically couldn't. Not only did I have absolutely nothing to say about anything, but I was so..... sloth.... yesterday that it took every ounce of reasonable energy I had to even function normally at work. It's not even about just functioning, it's about acting like I'm perfectly fine and happy. It's truly exhausting. Thankfully, I'm not on auto pilot every single day, just a few here and there. I'm afraid to think that perhaps those kind of days are becoming more frequent.
I went home yesterday and put JJ in his jammies and put him to bed. He didn't fall asleep immediately, probably because Jerry and I were trying to have a conversation while I was putting him to bed and he was super tired. When he finally did fall asleep, I had already been crying for a few minutes. It was like a crack in a fish tank - it just kept leaking until the glass finally burst and I was crying for over an hour. Jerry held me as if he was holding my pieces together, which helped tremendously. I suddenly and strongly felt, again, that I was a horrible mother and wife. I felt that I would never live up to JJ's expectations for me as his mom. I can't always be there to comfort him when he cries and it kills me. I worry that he is going to get sick or get hurt somehow. I'm terrified of him slipping in the bathtub. I worry about everything. I feel so inadequate.
I'm not discounting all of the encouraging words that I've been hearing from several caring people. I'm not at all saying that none of that matters to me. It's the exact opposite - I think about all those words when I'm paralyzed at my kitchen sink, washing dishes, and suddenly can't process how to get a mug into the dishwasher. All of those words make me realize that I can keep going.... that I have to keep going.
Over the past week, I've noticed a new strange thing about me, to top everything else off. Have you ever touched an electric fence? I did when I was a kid, and although I wasn't hurt, I felt the electricity stream through my body as it exited through my foot. The sensation that I felt was like nothing I'd ever experienced. It was, literally, and electric feeling throughout my body.
What I'm feeling now, in waves, is similar to that feeling. I attributed it to exorbitant amounts of coffee consumption and cut down to only one cup a day (it's excruciating.) While I'm feeling "electric," I've been very jumpy and even the smallest thing startles me. Thankfully the feeling has never lasted more than a few hours and the cut back in coffee is helping. Still, I can't help but sit back and think to myself... WTF??
Needless to say, I was fairly sure that the sun wouldn't come up this morning. But there it was, right on schedule, shining in the front room window as brightly as sunly possible. JJ woke in a good mood even though he didn't sleep very well last night and I was even more surprised that I woke up in a decently normal mood, too. JJ and I chatted and had a few giggles over getting dressed and eating and it was nice. I love the way we have our own super secret, wordless language that only he and I understand. It makes me feel like he thinks Mommy and Daddy are the coolest people ever, and if JJ thinks that, it must be true.
Right?
Wednesday
The Best Part
Got this in an email and thought it was cute. Disclaimer: this post hereby fulfills my obligation for 2010 to complete at least one survey per year.
The Best Part Of....
*Olive Garden...salad. I don't know what they do, but it's the best on the planet.
*going to the movies...cuddling in public. There just aren't enough public places to do this...
*living in the city...things to do. people to see. places to go. knowing you can find probably anything you need somewhere in the city limits.
*spending time with the kid(s)...snuggles. He loves snuggles.
*spending time with the significant other...foot rubs. Aaaaahhhhh....
*being on the phone with your BFF...saying whatever I want and not having to think about it first.
*being married...knowing he is legally obligated to love me no matter what
*having something broken...buying a new one
*going to the grocery store... daydreaming about being Julia Child and becoming a gourmet chef while I browse the aisles of yummy ingredients that could one day be in my kitchen.
*making dinner... feeling domestic.
*spring... more sunshine. I need more sunshine.
*getting dressed... signifies the beginning of a brand new day, which always has the potential to be better than the last.
*crafting...making something with my hands and loving it when I'm done.
*eating at a Mexican restaurant... margaritas with too much tequila
*a pedicure...whole body goodness. when your feet feel good, your whole body feels good.
*having cable... DVR and PBS.
*girls night out...realizing I am SO not the only one dealing with (insert issue here).
*shopping at Target... the baby section. and the wine section. and the seasonal section. and the video game section. and the toy department. and the....
*Costco or Sam's... supersize. Who doesn't love supersize??
*blogging during the day... escaping. Escaping from the work day, obligations, and bad moods. taking a break from reality and writing about whatever is in my head. it's refreshing.
*Walmart... makes shopping at Target much, much sweeter...
*a cinnamon roll... I love breakfast. goes great with coffee.
*a reeses peanut butter cup... fulfilling a requirement for one of the food groups... because... it has peanut butter.
*the past year... JJ
*having a cat... she catches stuff. bugs, pen tops, baby socks, dust bunnies, other critters...
*naps...seriously? Taking a break mid-day to crawl into a warm, comfortable place and shut down and relax and turn everything off for a while and rejuvenate yourself and wake up feeling like a new person for the second half of the day? I don't understand the question.
*gum... relieves stress. It's true! Gum chewers experience 25% less stress than non-gum chewers.
*iPhones... I wouldn't know.
*reading friends' blogs... understanding people better. Sometimes people will put down in a blog information that they won't talk about in real life. At least... that's what I do....
The Best Part Of....
*Olive Garden...salad. I don't know what they do, but it's the best on the planet.
*going to the movies...cuddling in public. There just aren't enough public places to do this...
*living in the city...things to do. people to see. places to go. knowing you can find probably anything you need somewhere in the city limits.
*spending time with the kid(s)...snuggles. He loves snuggles.
*spending time with the significant other...foot rubs. Aaaaahhhhh....
*being on the phone with your BFF...saying whatever I want and not having to think about it first.
*being married...knowing he is legally obligated to love me no matter what
*having something broken...buying a new one
*going to the grocery store... daydreaming about being Julia Child and becoming a gourmet chef while I browse the aisles of yummy ingredients that could one day be in my kitchen.
*making dinner... feeling domestic.
*spring... more sunshine. I need more sunshine.
*getting dressed... signifies the beginning of a brand new day, which always has the potential to be better than the last.
*crafting...making something with my hands and loving it when I'm done.
*eating at a Mexican restaurant... margaritas with too much tequila
*a pedicure...whole body goodness. when your feet feel good, your whole body feels good.
*having cable... DVR and PBS.
*girls night out...realizing I am SO not the only one dealing with (insert issue here).
*shopping at Target... the baby section. and the wine section. and the seasonal section. and the video game section. and the toy department. and the....
*Costco or Sam's... supersize. Who doesn't love supersize??
*blogging during the day... escaping. Escaping from the work day, obligations, and bad moods. taking a break from reality and writing about whatever is in my head. it's refreshing.
*Walmart... makes shopping at Target much, much sweeter...
*a cinnamon roll... I love breakfast. goes great with coffee.
*a reeses peanut butter cup... fulfilling a requirement for one of the food groups... because... it has peanut butter.
*the past year... JJ
*having a cat... she catches stuff. bugs, pen tops, baby socks, dust bunnies, other critters...
*naps...seriously? Taking a break mid-day to crawl into a warm, comfortable place and shut down and relax and turn everything off for a while and rejuvenate yourself and wake up feeling like a new person for the second half of the day? I don't understand the question.
*gum... relieves stress. It's true! Gum chewers experience 25% less stress than non-gum chewers.
*iPhones... I wouldn't know.
*reading friends' blogs... understanding people better. Sometimes people will put down in a blog information that they won't talk about in real life. At least... that's what I do....
Tuesday
Nope
I have no words today. Nothing. I've been thinking all day of a topic and not a single one found me.
Except that I can't wait to get home to my baby boy and my hunny.
Nope. Not a single word.
Except that I can't wait to get home to my baby boy and my hunny.
Nope. Not a single word.
Monday
"Courage... Teach Me to Be Shy..."
“You don’t develop courage by being happy in your relationships every day. You develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity.” –Some famous Greek philosopher that died around BC 270. Maybe.
Twice a day.
That’s how much I’ve been blogging. Unfortunately, you have only seen half of the product. The other half is tucked away in an archive, maybe to stay there forever. Maybe it will come out one day, but today is not the day for that. I’m not quite brave enough yet for the world to read every little thing about me.
What I know:
I want to talk about an attribute that I never thought I ever had much of: courage. When I think of courage or a courageous person, I think about a fireman, or a policeman, or a soldier. I think of someone who puts themselves in danger to help other people; someone who puts fear and apprehension aside to do the right thing, no matter how hard. I think of someone strong.
I once ran out into the street to help a car crash victim (actually, I’ve done that more than once.) I once performed CPR on a woman and accidentally broke one of her ribs. I stood up to a boyfriend who was belligerent and disrespectful to me. I’ve gone white water rafting, bungee jumping, and “Drop Zone” riding. I’ve performed in front of thousands of people and made many speeches and presentations. As a retail manager, I tackled a store closing with all of our sanities intact. If all of that isn’t courageous, I don’t know what is.
Parenting is the scariest and most uncertain thing I’ve ever done. I know NOTHING about being a parent. Sure, being a parent requires patience, diligence, endurance… and many other things. It takes every ounce of fearlessness I have to close his door at night after he’s fallen asleep and trust that he’s going to be fine. I dug for every morsel of confidence when I put my baby in the car at 1 a.m., raced to the emergency room, and kept myself together for the following three days.
What they say:
I *heart* Wiki. Yes, yes… I know that it’s not always accurate, but is there ANYTHING that Wikipedia doesn’t know? This is what they have to say about courage:
“Courage, also known as bravery, will, and intrepidity, is the ability to confront fear, pain, risk/danger, uncertainty, or intimidation. “Physical courage” is courage in the face of physical pain, hardship, death, or threat of death, while “Moral Courage” is the ability to act rightly in the face of popular opposition, shame, scandal, or discouragement. Courage is the mental and moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand fear, danger, or difficulty.”
Can I get some of this, please? Oh, and can I also get it to go? Wrap it up nice and tight – I don’t want any of it to leak out on the way home…
What I need:
I’m not looking for any comment on the following statement: I’ve been feeling pretty cowardly lately. Really now, how many of us ever thought that being a parent would require such a vast amount of courage? Yet again, here is another topic that should at least be thought about during Prenatal classes. Maybe one day I’ll conduct my own series of Prenatal classes that portray the REAL challenges and joys of having a baby. Or maybe that’s what I’ll write my book about. Who knows.
I need courage. We both need courage. We need bravery because as new parents, we have a lot of uncertainty and insecurities right now. Well, at least I do.
“Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway.” Dr. Robert Anthony, Self-help author, Really smart dude
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