Quick Shift of Season

Here we go. Two blogs in one day. I'm on a roll.

The past few days have been a little unsteady for me. I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world who has ever stared at herself in the mirror and said "Huh?!"

The past couple of weeks when I felt close to normal was a nice break, but as I previously reported, I knew it wouldn't last long. There suddenly aren't enough hours in the day. I can't find enough energy to be productive to my liking. I can't get motivated to do the laundry. I'm having a hard time falling asleep at night. I feel like I will be jobless forever. My appetite seems to have taken a vacation. I'm irritable and scared. Over everything. The auto-pilot switch has been on for a few days and I'm okay with that, for now. The problem with auto-pilot is I feel like I'm not really living, just surviving - kind of like just holding my breath and floating, rather than making headway by swimming. I desperately need a life jacket.

Our situation is far from dire and I know that. I keep thinking about all of the "what-ifs" and it's overwhelming. There are so many to choose from. Anything can happen to us in this vulnerable state and it's terrifying.

I'm struggling. God, I'm struggling. It's been six months, how long will this last? We're in between a rock and a hard place here when it comes to finding a solution: I was making arrangement to get some therapy to get through the post partum crap, but when I lost my job, I lost my insurance, too. Great timing, eh?

As I sit here listening to JJ snore into the baby monitor, my heart swells with love for him and Jerry, and it makes me think that adding a little glimmer of hope to the dreary blogs that find their way to the screen is a good thing. A good thing indeed. We're still getting through this together.

1 comment:

Starla Rae said...

If you ever need to talk with someone you can leave me a message on FB or give me a call. I struggled with severe depression after my first kid and ocd/depression after Chelsea. I claim that she broke me because I am still not right and have to take meds. I was seeing a therapist after my break down, but when Chuck quit Fiserv I lost my insurance. So I can relate to having to struggle with out the help you need. Just know you are not alone and can make it through this.


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